Yellow Hair
by Gitana
Summary: Sam fears he doesn’t sleep with blondes because they’d remind him of Jess. Dean is worried about what Sam sleeping around means.
1. Daydreaming Again

**Yellow Hair**

**By:** Gitana  
**Rating/Timeline: **PG13/Post 4.14 ("Sex & Violence")  
**Disclaimer: **Belongs to Mr. Eric Kripke and Warner Brothers.  
**Summary: **Sam fears he doesn't sleep with blondes because they'd remind him of Jess. Dean is worried about what Sam sleeping around means.  
**Characters/Pairing: **Sam, Dean, OFC – Sam/OFC Sam/Jess  
**Spoilers: **Spoilers up to 4.14

**Ch. 1 -- Daydreaming Again**

Sam doesn't know how it came to this. There is a half naked woman on his bed and he doesn't care much, doesn't really feel anything about it, not at the moment. It's routine now, usual, meaningless even.

Pale skin against pale sheets and there she was - whoever she was. Lillith is trying to kill him again. This time in the form of a breathtaking 23 year old blonde who kind of looked like Jessica, but Sam knew. He knew from the beginning she was possessed, still he led her by the hand to a motel room, away from the crowds, pretending to have been fooled.

He wasn't strong enough to exorcize, he didn't have enough time to trap it and chant, she came at him full force so he plunged Ruby's knife into her abdomen and let her go. Let them both go like they were both guilty of the same crime. Nervous from the confrontation, he wiped his nose with the back of his hand and noticed he had smeared blood all over himself.

Sam tries to remember if anyone saw them walk inside together, he doesn't think anyone did. He was alone when he rented the room under the name Frankie Jenkins.

They walked inside the room and the girl asked to use the bathroom, she came out in her underwear. Sam didn't realize he would have to keep playing along. He blew his cover and the demon attacked. He stabbed it coldly, he killed a girl then laid her down to struggle and vanish while he held her and mouthed _I'm sorry _into her confused gaze. He wanted to feel more, to be sad, but he was so tired of the fight. Sam closed her eyes then walked to the bathroom to pick up her clothes. There was no need for her be found in that condition, misleading and undignified. He put her clothes back on carefully. He carried the body to a different room to avoid suspicion. His hands were shaking but he didn't dial Dean's number in a concert of paranoia and grief like he would have two years earlier. He laid her down on a different bed and closed the door on his way out, covering his tracks step by step. Sam hoped someday he could feel something more for this girl whose name he doesn't know and whose life he couldn't save.

Sam doesn't want to know how it came to this.

…..

Sam was drinking coffee by himself when he noticed two fresh faced blue eyed blondes trying to flirt with him. He gives them a good look and decides they're not possessed. He breathes a sigh of relief. Two weeks and he still hasn't forgotten, as punishment he doesn't allow himself to move on.

Sam looks at the girls again but smiles this time. They are really cute, not a day over twenty-one but old enough. Sam doesn't know which is harder, to tell when girls are possessed or if they're legal. It can get tricky when they're not wearing uniforms or carrying backpacks full of notebooks, lose change and lipgloss.

Sam wonders if it's a coincidence… So many blondes lately, even the two staring at him right now look dangerous. It wasn't fully conscious or even mildly intended, but Sam had not kissed or slept with a blonde since Jessica died. It wasn't about girl-demons either, Lillith and Meg kissing him was weird because they were trying to kill him, not because they were possessing blondes.

_Straight hair_, he concludes. This is not about Jess, she had curls, vertically shaped spirals the color of the sun.

Sam remembers seeing Jess for the first time and almost dropping his books to the floor. He had never seen anyone so beautiful, yellow hair crowning her waist, curling along the curve of her back. Twists and messy tangles in which he buried his face and fingers to forget about the world. The same hair that every morning her pillow and even his found themselves covered by like mountains after a snowstorm - hair that threatened to go on forever as well as her legs. For a while after they started dating, every other woman, no matter how flawless, funny or exquisite, paled in comparison to his California girl.

Dean loudly sat in front of Sam, dragging the chair across the floor and making an ugly sound that snapped Sam from his nostalgia.

"Daydreaming again?"

"Nah…"

Dean looked over his shoulder and the two blondes perked right up again. "_Brother! That's_ what I'm talking about!" Dean grinned in approval. It almost felt like old times, better times, easier days.

Sam tried not to smile, but he couldn't help a wide smirk Dean translated into Sam wanting to play around with the cute girls. Sam was smiling because Dean looked happy, like he used to look, he barely remembers the last time Dean's eyes had anything but contempt for him.

"Let's go get some names and some phone numbers, shall we?"

"Go ahead, I'm not in the mood."

"Not in the mood? Dude, you're glowing over there…"

"No really, I'm not interested."

Dean opened his eyes and shook his head in disbelief.

"Your loss." He finished.

Dean walked over to the girls and was welcomed by giggles and apple colored cheeks.

Sam thought about following Dean, but sleeping with someone just to feel closer to his brother again sounded a little bizarre. This wasn't the bonding they needed even if it was the only offer currently on the table.

…..

Sam doesn't let himself dream of Jessica for fear of what's happening to him right now, nobody measures up. Nothing but a complete relationship will do.

The brothers were taking a break from hunting. Physically and emotionally exhausted, they almost got themselves killed two days ago in Montana. They decided to rest after Bobby threatened to kill them himself if he had to keep rescuing Winchesters all over the country.

Ruby hasn't called in a few days. Sam doesn't call her either. He was browsing the History and the Mystical sections of a small bookstore that caught his attention as he and Dean made their way through town. They weren't avoiding each other, but they kept drifting apart. When they weren't hunting they weren't together, it felt both inevitable and unthinkable that soon they could go their separate ways for good.

Sam looked up to see a beautiful woman walking toward him. His heart started beating faster, but he tried to remain cool as she approached. She introduced herself as Kate, no last name. Her father is the owner, he's sick and she's keeping the place open for as long as she's able to while he gets better. Sam didn't offer a last name either, only giving the simple explanation that he was on a road trip with his brother.

She doesn't have curly blonde hair, but she completely reminds him of Jess, he can't deny it this time. _This_ is the one he was scared of, this is the test.

Kate is black, has colorful brown eyes, long eye lashes that look unreal and doll like, wavy hair a little longer than shoulder length, promise of dimples when she smiles, she's shorter than Jess was, but the spirit's the same. Her body curves the way he likes, she's seducing him by existing, without knowing. She laughs easily, doesn't seem to choose her words as much as pull them from somewhere inside a tornado of instantaneous reactions born out of passionate emotion mixed with intelligence and girly bashfulness. It takes him but a moment like it did with Jess, but he's already fascinated by the halo of female mysticism surrounding this perfect stranger. He doesn't buy into that Freudian, motherless boys crap, but he has to admit he's absorbed by women sometimes. They overwhelm completely if he doesn't sober up, he can be fooled and twisted by the turns of their face and the magic of their hips - he can get lost if he doesn't save himself. It makes him awkward, too shy at times. Lately that hasn't been the case, but he can tell this isn't the new him that rips people's clothes off and pins them against the window of an office without closing the shades first, this is the kid that can't look the girls he likes in the eye without stuttering. She's turned him into old Sammy in a few minutes and he remembers how it felt like.

A moment of silence and he hesitates to invite her for a cup of coffee and a slice of pie - she's too much of what he wants. He breathes deeply and the invite falls from his lips before he can reel it back. She accepts. A quick frown has him worried she only said yes to be polite. He hates himself now, he should have kept quiet, he thinks. Now everything is awkward and full of fake pleasantries that mean to hide the sudden damper on the mood. This is a part of the old him he really didn't miss and he doesn't have Dean to help him along.

…..

They relax into their conversation as the night grows old. They decide to stop for the cup of coffee they had originally planned on for the evening. Feeling adventurous, they decide to try the chicken pizza on the menu, at the very least it's something solid going down with the alcohol and coffee. They talk about most everything except the important stuff you save for people who actually know your last name. The chicken pizza is not bad.

Kate scared herself, spending the entire night with some guy who showed up out of the blue and bought a couple of strange books from section of the store she makes a point not to linger in too long. He also looks kind of young, but he just seemed so interesting. He seemed even more interesting when they were standing in front of her building - Kate had an important decision to make.


	2. Tyrants and Kings

**Ch. 2 -- Tyrants and Kings**

She's talking Politics. She's talking about how you can trace the history of the world through theories that at times have nothing to do with the world but with the men who want to rule it. He's looking at her speak about things he wants to talk about too but he's rusty.

She realizes that she may have overwhelmed him and apologizes into her wine. "My father's been sick, I haven't had anyone to talk to like this in a while…" She apologizes again. "My friends are all married with kids now."

Sam decides to indulge her after all.

"I think people become tyrants when they realize how hard it is to be a king. Tyrants are efficient, people obey to avoid punishment, they get things done. A perfect order can be established by limiting freedom and participation, but there's no happiness, just results. I'm not even sure if there's a middle ground."

"There has to be. That kind of power creeps up on people, really. Few people start out wanting to be the bad guy, but they ease into it without noticing. You don't fully know yourself until you're tested by your ambitions and your own darkness."

"But the damage is done. Afterwards you're left wondering if you are the person you were before, or the person you became after."

Kate puts her glass of wine down. "If all it takes is one little push, one second to turn someone into a villain, it's who they were all along."

…..

"You're dating? Sammy, you know--"

"I know."

"Are we still leaving tomorrow?"

"Yeah, we are."

"Are you okay with that?"

"Yes, Dean."

Dean watches his brother leave and he's trying hard to forget the things he said, that Sam said while they were under the siren's spell, but there's a new reality he has to come to terms with even if he doesn't want to do give up just yet. He's seen his brother send demons back to hell with his mind, he's seen Sam gut possessed people with Ruby's knife, he's watched Sam puke all over himself after a night of drunken abandon, but the recent string of affairs disturbs him more than any of that.

…..

Sam explained the night before that he was leaving. Kate insisted on a last date so they could say goodbye to each other.

Sam is eager and afraid. It's refreshing to kiss someone who doesn't feel like a stranger passing through. He holds her, he touches her, breathes her in. He's kissing her too hard and apologizes by running his thumb across her mouth.

Kate wants to ask Sam why he's so nervous, but she can't, he has masterfully reduced her to shudders. His hands feel huge around the corners of her waist and he's holding her steady, but almost pushing her away. She can feel it in his wet kisses that he wants this, but his hands are so cold.

She places a hand over his chest and moves away from him.

"This isn't what I meant, Sam. We don't have to do this."

"What do you mean?" He says a little drunk with her taste.

"There are other ways to say goodbye." She smiled sweetly.

Sam felt like a criminal.

"Tell me about your brother."

He apologizes once again before leaving. She feels it again in the ways he's touching her face, he's making noises in her ear, but he's also pulling away.

"Thank you for the conversation." She whispers as he leans in to kiss her goodbye forever.

One last burning kiss to remind him, to remind her, some things, some people are too important. Jess died, he had no choice, but this time he does. Kate's full of Jess, full of all he likes. He can't be mourning the death and passing of perfection for eternity. Sam thinks he's doomed, but she doesn't have to be, not when this time he knows better, though she wouldn't even have a clue, just like Jess.

…..

Dean is still awake when Sam gets back earlier than expected.

"Had fun?"

"I did, she's a great girl."

"Becoming quite the sex addict there, Sammy."

Sam grimaces a little and avoids the fight trickling down the ceiling of their crumbling relationship.

"We didn't." He tries to explain calmly.

"Hmm…"

"I'm telling the truth, Dean. I know you don't trust me, but I have no reason to lie to you about this. We _talked_."

"About what?"

"You."

"Me?"

"Yeah. I told her I was on a road trip with my brother. That I'm taller than you but you're stronger than me."

"Damn straight."

Sam takes off his shirt.

"We talked."

"I bet she was real beautiful, smart… Long legs, long hair."

Sam is impressed.

"You met her too?"

"Nah, didn't need to." _I remember that look on your face._

Dean smiles. Sam has rejected two offers in the last few days and is being wonderfully bashful and depressing about the subject. Dean remembers all too well, _Sammy._ _My little brother, the idealist, the shy, committed lover._

"Did you at least kiss her?"

"Dean…"

Sam has a missed call. It's Ruby. He doesn't interrupt the moment he's having with Dean, but tomorrow he'll wake up and it's back to the chaos. Dean used to be wonderful. Gloriously annoying, improper, brave, resourceful, smart, sharp and achingly adoring, not so much anymore and Sam knows exactly when everything changed, knows everything is his fault. Sam is convinced he knows how to make it better. He doesn't know if he'll survive what's coming, doesn't know if he wants to, but tonight it feels like old times.

The End


End file.
